Thresholds for Change

A few months ago a housemate was experiencing stomach pain day after day. They would gain hope when it wasn’t as bad when they woke up only to have that hope dashed by the afternoon when they needed to lay down to deal with it. Despite encouraging from housemates they chose to keep hoping for the pressure to pass on its own. Four days in they woke up in significant pain and immediately wanted to go to the hospital.

One of my relationships in college slowly corroded me. I became resentful, more up tight, less conscientious and less patient. It was like my sense of self was shrinking as we both coped with and fed into this (in hindsight) clearly dysfunctional relationship. One day I was talking about our latest conflict with a close friend of mine and, finally paying attention to my dissatisfaction, decided enough was enough and ended the relationship.

A friend recently left their job. It was a burden on their health, their time, and their overall well-being. Before this friend left that job the company abruptly laid off a third of its employees; my friend was not fortunate enough to be one of them. Their responsibilities went up, their time commitment went up, their posture grew worse and their happiness went down. We eventually had a conversation where we found a feasible exit strategy for them and they left the company in a way that felt good for both parties.

The ratio of the pain to stay the same against the pain of change is one I would do well to reflect on more. The idea is that change only happens when the pain of staying the same is GREATER than the pain of change. I’ve been wondering, what if our pain tolerance is too damn high?

What if you convinced yourself to endure four days of consistent stomach pain just because hospitals give you the willies? What if you justify 8 months in a broken relationship because you’re fixated on finding solutions for all your issues? What if you fall prey to the adage, “it’s called work because it’s not supposed to be fun,” and end up not being able to stand up straight?

There’s a balance to be found here. On one side we can stick with things for too long. On the other we can switch too rapidly and not commit to anything. I almost always find myself on the side of staying to long and I have been attempting to instigate change sooner. Lately, I’ve been realizing that this has mainly been me not listening to my intuition. The voice to leave a job, leave a relationship, move, leave a party, or ask for a kiss has always been there at one level or another and the trusting in that voice has not.

So, to you, beloved reader, friend, is your threshold for change too high? Do you put up with things for too long before raising your needs? If you raise your needs do you wait for too long for them to be met? I’m not here to tell you how to handle that. I just want to raise the question. Try it on while considering where you might be feeling some hurt or loss.

For the road, here’s my favorite XKCD comic.