Slippery words - Soon: Looking at Requests vs Demands

Language can be a slippery thing. I'm not a linguist and it's clear that words can mean different things to different people at different times.

Take the word, "soon".

This word has, let's say, been involved in a lot of stress in my life. It probably started when I was growing up. My family was often late for things; dinners, weddings, activities, etc. There would be some agreement that we were supposed to be at a thing at a certain time. Predictably, as we got closer and closer to that time things got more and more hectic in the household. Running around, things getting misplaced, shouting, insults. When we'd arrive there would still be this air of tension around us that other people could feel. Playing that tension down and apologizing for being late again and again was awkward for a while (until I divorced myself from it) and the tension getting us out the door to begin with was always worse.

Unsurprisingly, "soon" has been involved in some frustration and miscommunication between Emily and me. It took us a while to track down and we both ended up having very different working definitions of "soon". It's definition on google is, "in or after a short time". What determines if something is short or not?

When I use the word, soon, I typically mean, "within 15 minutes". When Emily uses it she typically means, "within an hour and a half, probably not within a half hour".

The Old Way B - Hey bae, when would you like to go dancing? E - I'm down to go soon. B - Rad, I'll be back downstairs in a bit and we can go. 15 minutes later B - Are you ready to go? E - No, I'm still working on this thing. B - When will you be ready to go? E - In, like a half hour, maybe. B - <Frustration begins to simmer> E - <Defensiveness kicks in>

Time, in general, would be challenging. The same thing would play out when we say we want to be somewhere at some time. I'd say I'd like to leave at 8. She'd acknowledge that. When 8 would come and we weren’t gone I would become frustrated. We later uncovered that she would take "leave at 8" to really mean “begin the process of leaving at 8”.

I want to make it clear that one of us is not right or wrong in any of these examples. Each example is real and they became predictable in their own way. It can be tempting to take what we see each other do and attach a value judgement of the other as a person. This way be dragons.

“We’re going to be late again.” Can lead to, “you’re lazy and don’t care about my needs.” “Can you relax? You’re stressing me out.” Can lead to, “you’re no fun and going anywhere without you is more fun than going with.”

The real thing we need to do is ensure that we both understand what the other means when they say what they say.

The nonviolent communication approach to requests versus demands has substantially helped us here. There's a lot of nuances to the approach. I highly recommend reading the book. This blog also does a good job with requests vs demands. The gist is use requests and demands as a means of showing preference with a strong desire to do the work to not make demands.

A request is only a request when it is made respectfully and accepts “no” as a response without consequences. If you make a request, don’t get what you want, then sulk about it, that was not a request, but a veiled demand.

A demand doesn’t tolerate “no” and can include consequences if the demand is not met. This can make contending with demands feel threatening when our boundaries are weak. Making a demand does not entitle you to the results of that demand. If anything, demands are a means to help others know the importance of something to you. Odds are, when making a demand, we have waited too long to express something which is why it is coming out contaminated with consequences.

When making a request/demand, the person has to take responsibility for making it clear, making it reasonable, and taking efforts to not unnecessarily inhibit others in the process. This is no small feat, especially when it’s a new practice. So approaching it patiently is important. All the better if you can intentionally work on it with someone else.

Given that words are slippery, I’ve been deliberately using “demand” in a different way. When I consciously speak in demands they are the lines where I make it known that my actions will change from one thing to another. “If we don’t get food before 2 I’m going to go get my own. You can come with me if you want, just know that I’m going.” “I’m not interested in seeing that movie, would you be willing to watch another?” Perhaps there’s a better word for this and demand is making do for now.

The New Way B - Hey bae, I’d like to go dancing soon. E - Okay. I’d like to finish working on this thing. When do you want to go? B - I’d like to arrive at the venue at 10. Ah, my request is that we arrive at the venue at 10, my demand is 10:30. I’m also willing to figure out a different ride situation. E - No, that sounds good. I’d also like to not be out crazy late. B - When would you like to be in bed? E - My request is that we are in bed by 12:30 and my demand is by 1:30.

Perhaps most importantly, doing this has helped me learn where my own lines are. Taking a moment to distinguish between my preference and my want or need has helped illuminate where my expectations and unconscious narratives are. Having this awareness is the first step to proactively doing something about them.