Real Talk

Relationships are hard.

They are hard because individual people are complex. Then we put two or more people together and the complexity, when left unexamined, grows exponentially. That’s to say nothing of the randomness of life. We all have our own lived experiences and our own stories about what those experiences mean.

By definition we are almost always taking things out of context simply because having all the context is incredibly difficult. We are the only people who have the complete context on ourselves.

When my last relationship ended I was at my parents house. My partner was over and we had just shared a meal with them. Afterwards we went on a walk and decided to end our relationship. Only I came back to the house, tears running down my face and my parents terribly confused. I shared that we just broke up and why and they understood. They then shared their perspective on our relationship and that added color to the way they oriented themselves to us as a couple.

It is likely the case that the more context we have about another person’s life and circumstances, the more we are left with only empathy and compassion for them.

Years ago I went to a week-long workshop. It was impactful, connecting, challenging, and much more. There was one guy who I never really gelled with until the end. He felt elusive, closed off, and potentially violent. At the end of the workshop he revealed that his father had died the Sunday before this workshop. With that context everyone’s experience of him changed.

When we started dating, Emily and I didn’t like the idea of waiting for issues to come up in order for them to be talked about. This is how things were done in our pasts and we knew the pain this passivity could bring. We developed Real Talk as a process to proactively examine our relationship, gain context about each other, and upkeep regular relationship hygiene.

The examined relationship is better than the unexamined relationship.

Every time.

I’ve written about Real Talk here on the blog before. What follows is the complete list of questions that we use with some examples associated with most of them. If you take up Real Talk as a practice in your life and you ever add a question to the mix that brings value please let me know; send me an email, message me, connect somehow. Some of the questions listed below are from friends who have made Real Talk their own and shared back with us. For that, I am so grateful.

Some helpful things before continuing.

- Schedule the time. Make it one to three hours. Have it on your calendar and know that it’s coming. Have both people available and able to participate without distractions, texts, phone calls, whatever. Make this time for you. - The more often Real Talk is done the easier it becomes to do. More context is shared and more comfort is found. I’d recommend doing it every two weeks even if you only get to three or four questions. - Be fed, have water, and go to the bathroom first. Take care of your base bodily needs.

- Do Real Talk in an environment where you can touch each other during and/or after the session. - Exercise caution when doing this before bed. Sleep is important, why not get a good nights rest then get to this in the morning. Don’t have time for that? Then you absolutely need to make time for it and ought to take a look at your priorities. - Exercise caution when doing this while driving. You can’t touch very much while driving nor can you make eye contact or read facial cues. It can be done, and it’s definitely harder. Instead of passing time on a long drive it can end up making the long drive feel longer.

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Start with appreciations and gratitude. Never skip this. We want to come from a place of love and mutuality.

What have I done recently that you’ve appreciated?

- I appreciate that you picked me up from the airport. - I appreciate that you figured out dinner for us last night. - I appreciate that you came with me to see my parents.

What do you love about our partnership right now?

- I love that we set aside time to talk. - I love that our level of play has been going up recently. - I love the way we are sharing resources in a way that feels good to us both.

Once ready, move into some more challenging questions. You don’t need to go through them all; pick whichever best suits your relationship. Feel free to bounce around and find what works best. Some questions may feel redundant and that’s fine; different wording may awaken different things worth sharing.

What have you made up about me or us recently? What stories are you holding?

- A story I’ve been telling myself is that you never prioritize me over yourself. - A story I’ve been telling myself is that I always have to follow you and that you’re not willing to just be with me. - A story I’ve been telling myself is that you’re inaccessible when you’re doing work and that your schedule is so chaotic that I don’t know when you’re doing work in the first place.

Do you have any lingering concerns or hesitations about something that I do or our relationship?

- I am concerned that you leaving your job will put unforeseen stress on us both being home much more often than we are now. - I am concerned that when you talk about your parents that you are making them small and that maybe you should give them more credit. - I am concerned that we’re not talking as much as we used to and how that’s raised tension about our time together before bed.

Is there anything you need from me that you’re finding hard to get? - I need communication when you leave the kitchen when I thought we were spending time together. - I need to feel like I can stop cuddling when I want to. When I try to go to the bathroom and you hold me down I stop thinking it’s cute after the 2nd time. - I need to feel heard before jumping into strategies and solutions when talking about hard things.

In what ways can I better support you?

- I’ve been appreciating how we’ve split up our finances. Given our desire to travel soon, can we revisit that so it can map onto our plans? - I’ve been finding it hard to get around town, are you willing to take me to Bart on Monday and Tuesday mornings? - I’m trying to eat less sugar and I’m noticing that most of the sugar I eat is from things people bring to me. I don’t choose it on my own. Can we find a way to make that happen less between us and in our household?

In what ways have I hurt you? How have I let you down?

- I was sad when we didn’t leave the dance at the time we agreed upon. It fed into my story of not being prioritized. - I was let down when you double booked yourself over time we had planned for each other.

What would you like me to apologize for?

- I’d like for you to apologize for raising your voice with me yesterday when you were upset. I know it wasn’t directed at me and it still didn’t feel good.

When do you feel under-appreciated?

- I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of emotional labor for you recently that might not be seen as emotional labor. I’d like to tell you my experience of it and to have at least my efforts be acknowledged. - We’ve been having some group chats with friends lately and I don’t feel like you’re aware of how much effort I’ve been putting into them. - I’ve been putting effort into making the house more streamlined and clean. I feel like it’s been going unnoticed or unappreciated.

In what ways have I been inauthentic or incongruent?

- I know your diet is important to you and I’m confused when I see you eat sweets. Can you tell me what’s going on for you when you reach for them?

In what ways can we improve our play?

- I’m way happier to play more when I’m more rested. Can we figure out our sleep schedule for the coming week?

- I’m really enjoying using the cuffs. Can we do that more?

- I don’t like how often you try to guillotine me. Not everything has to be Jiu Jitsu!

What do you want to accomplish together?

- I’d love to have a long term project that we have together. Maybe a side hustle or a YouTube channel. - Let’s plan a trip to SouthEast Asia! - What’s an event that we can throw that we’d both be proud of?

Are you satisfied with the way we share responsibility?

- You do a lot of laundry. You’re just so fast! Is that okay? Do you want help? - Our finances are about to change. Is there a way that we want our responsibilities and activities to change in relationship to that?

- I know you drive more than I do and I feel like you’re always filling up the tank. Is that okay? Can I send you some money or anything?

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Whatever you end up doing, I’d encourage you to have some kind of regular check in with your long-term partner(s). It may seem scary or too difficult at first (or later, for that matter), and it’s worth doing. If you are unwilling to develop this sort of practice then turn inside and investigate why.

Play the long game in your relationships.